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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Creeps on the street

Creeps on the street

Everyone knows there are some creeps out there. Some real weirdos. Today as I was driving down a deserted country road with Shannyn and Layne, I wondered across two little boys, no more than 10 years old. They were just wondering down the street, and as we drove past, one of the little boys stuck his thumb in the air, hitchhiker style. As I drove past, I got an idea. We were in the black crown victoria, a mafia car if I’ve ever seen one, and the trunk fits two bodies (intact). Well, I convinced Layne to hop in the trunk and Shannyn and I turned back around and drove back to the boys. As we got close, I slowed and rolled down the window. The sun gleamed off my terminator glasses and Shannyn flashed them a creepy grin.
“Hey, need a ride, boys?” I asked.
I got out and walked around to the trunk explaining as I rounded the car. We don’t have any room in the back seat, but you can ride back here if you want.” As the trunk lid popped, Layne let out a scream.
“Oops!” I called as Shannyn came join me. “I forgot about him. Shannyn, get the ‘forget me’ stick.” Shannyn came around with her club and smacked the inside of the trunk. Layne shut up instantly and I turned to the boys.
“Where too?” I asked beckoning in an open and friendly manner.
They must not have needed a ride very badly because they turned and ran back the way they had come.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Mean as Nellie Olsen

Our family has a great Sunday tradition. In the afternoon, after church and lunch and naps (Our other Sunday traditions) we watch “The Little House on the Prairie”. We own the entire set series all thirty thousand or so episodes. The story as I can tell follows a little girl “Laura” through her life on the prairie where she lives in a town full of dear friends and those unfortunate enough to guest star. (They are as doomed as the unaccredited extras from the original “Star Trek”)
Of course, no little girl’s life is complete without a rival, a nemesis. Laura’s adversary through the entire show is a spoiled brat named Nellie Olsen. Nellie seems to have only one purpose in life, to terrorize Laura and make herself look like a bumbling nincompoop in the process. The other day as I was getting ready to go out to check the animals water Naithen stopped me and remarked thoughtfully “Mikaela, you are mean.” (This was totally random. I had not said anything to Naithen all morning, so he wasn’t even mad at me) “You are as mean as Nellie Olsen.” (This child (age 6) sees life through TV shows and books. It appears to be his only connection to reality) I considered the remark briefly. How should I react? Anger? No, that is what Nellie would do. Laughter? I chose denial.
“No I am not.”
Naithen raised an eyebrow in reply.“You are pretty mean.”
“Yeah, but I am smart about being mean. I think a little bit. And I don’t whine as much.”
“Yeah.” Naithen considered that for a moment; clearly remember the last episode he had watched of his beloved TV show. “If a bull ran at YOU, you would probably just grab it by its horns and throw it on the ground. Not run away like Nellie Olsen.”
So there you have it. I am mean. I am mean like Nellie Olsen, but like Nellie Olsen if she could wrestle down a slobbering ton of horned beef.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A bad story with an... interesting moral

Today is Thursday. That is right, Library Day! Well today Shannyn and I sat in the back room where only the Librarians are allowed. (We get to wear special passes around our necks that say we are allowed. They are in the cabinet by the information desk if you ever want to scope it out) It is possible we were on a top secret special mission for the Amazing Librarian Ladies… or it is possible we were hiding from creepy crow nosed boys in hoodies. Whichever it was is irrelevant.

After hours of ripping stickers off of books so that Shannyn could put them back on, I came up with the brilliant idea of telling stories to entertain ourselves. (Libraries are so quite)

Shannyn: “Once upon a time-“
Me: “That’s no good. You have to make it original.”
Shannyn: “Fine. One day… not so long ago… far far but not to far away lived three little… frogs- blab la bla” – interesting story about three little frogs with a fear of mushrooms.

Me: “No good. It didn’t have a moral. Yesterday there was born on earth three human children. Boys (because 53% of the children born are boys.) They grew up to be very different. One little boy worked hard. He was highschool quarterback and got straight As in all his classes. The second little boy was a nerd. He sat in front of his computer all day long and played games till his eyes bulged out of his head and his back stooped and his fingers were constantly in a slightly curled position, poised to press the space bar at a moments notice. The third little boy was a rebel. He dyed his hair black and had to many earrings. He liked to dress in baggy clothes and deal drugs in the ally behind the school. They grew up. The first little boy became a doctor. He cured the common cold and cancer. The second little boy developed a social network for nerds like himself who had no real social life. The third little boy became a bank robber. Which one made a billion dollars first?”
Shannyn: “The robber”
Me: “Wrong. The little boy with the internet did. The moral of this story is ‘geeks always come out on top.’ The thought provoking question is: ‘is it worth it since he has poor posture and no friends?’”

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Homeschoolers are either really good or really bad

Homeschoolers are either really good or really bad – The public school opinion of our secret lives.

So according to one boy I spoke with, there are two kinds of homeschoolers. There are the long haired ones with denim skirts and ankle socks who can’t form an acceptable sentence in a public situation and then there are the druggies who got kicked out of school for terrible grades and threatening letters describing how they want to burn down buildings and beat up small children and kittens. Both kinds I have met, and both are very “homeschooler” but I was amused to find that according to public schooled kids there is no middle ground. The situation:

While working a craft show, Shannyn and I had a little down time to ourselves and decided to take a trip to the concession stand. We had both been working all day and had just had a couple Venti double shot frapp`s…. and the boy working the concession stand was cute (says Shannyn) so we got to talking:

Him “So where do you go to school?”
Me: “We don’t.”
Him *disbelief*
Shannyn “We’re homeschooled.” *glares at me*
Him: “Oh, do you like it?”
Me: “No school? Yeah, it’s great.”
Shannyn: “Yes” *launches into explanation on the benefits of homeschooling*
Shannyn: “I get asked all the time if we get to do school in our pajamas or if I get to sleep till noon…. It gets kinda old.”
Him: “I always thought that homeschoolers were either ‘really good’ or ‘really bad’”
Me *nods thoughtfully*
Shannyn “That’s probably pretty accurate.”
Me: “I always assumed that public schooled kids wore black eye liner and ripped jeans around their ankles. I always assumed they were mentally incompetent and didn’t know how to wear their baseball caps.”
Him: “haha I think it’s funny that you think I know what ‘incompetent means.”
Me: “and… I rest my case.”
Him “So which are you?” *looks from Shannyn to me* “Really good or really bad?”
Shannyn: “uhhh…. Well-“
Me: “Good. I have really never done anything bad in my life. In fact, the only reason I’m homeschooled is because of that one boy in English comp. who wouldn’t stop stealing my answers on tests. I stabbed the jerk in the face and he got lead poisoning. I got expelled and had to spend three months in Juvenile detention… but I escaped. After that I decided to stay out of the public school system.”
Him: *nervously* “Uhh… haha”
Me: *smiles* “Are these brownies free?”
Him: “Sure. Here take all you want.”